Don't cough on me, Alejandro.

I'm pretty sure I had swine flu two weeks ago. Symptoms include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. I TOTALLY HAD THOSE. And then it's supposed to go away on its own. IT TOTALLY DID.

Technically you're supposed to have had a history of activity that put you in contact with it, or live in one of the U.S. states that have reported swine flu cases. Minnesota is one. And I haven't recently been to Mexico, but I was in Hawaii in February and while there I dined at a place called "La Cucaracha". So, there you go.

They would want you to feel better.

A few months ago my friend Tom was sick so I made this to make him feel better. He's a big fan of the Muppets and I had just read an article about them making a comeback in The New York Times, so I snagged this picture and put a spin on it. I pride myself on the accuracy with which I conveyed their voices and their concern (or lack there of) for someone who is sick. Click to enlarge!

Coworker treat fit for a queen (or scavenger).

My coworker was in town from LA last week for a special training. I teased her for eating a portion of a fun-sized bag of chips and then saving the rest for later because I'm pretty sure no adult human has ever been able to achieve such a feat.

Then I came to work on Monday and found that right before she left for her flight back home, she left me this delicious and ever-so-snarky treat on my keyboard.


But the joke is on her because I ate it. And paired with a banana, it was the tastiest and sneakiest breakfast I do believe I've had in a long time. Did I scavenge her scraps? A little. Am I cool with it? Yes ma'am I am.

I'm proud of my rooftop lunch today.

I know I regularly eat like a little kid. But I bet you didn't know that was pepperoni and pepperjack cheese hiding in that sandwich, did you?

No matter what you say, oh health-minded people, wheat bread is gross! Give me some hearty country cottage white and I'm a happy anna. (Don't worry about my impending obesity. The sandwich has miracle whip light on it.)

Fun with audio files!

1. So I went on a first date a while ago. You guys heard about it. But what you didn't hear was the voice message I got from the kindly gentleman the night before. I had called him from a concert, asking him if he wanted me to wear a tiara on our date the next day. The following was his reply. (*swoon!)

Download: Sweet caboose

2. You also remember the adorable voicemail I got from my friend Michael that was so precious it made my smile hurt from being stretched so far. Of course, being the sweet friend he is, he has not left me wanting for more. And neither shall I for you.

Download: Hello to you

Download: Germany to France to CA to urban straight guy

Thanks goes out to all of you patient downloaders and for the unfortunate males in my life whom I did not ask permission of to post these files. Sorry guys! Except not really.

Welcome to the House of Sunshine.

Listen. Listen to me! I moved. Into. A NEW APARTMENT.

Neens, I will try to be sensitive about your current debacle. But having been one of your besties for a good, oh, twenty to thirty years now, I know that not many can rival your insatiable Craiglist-scouring abilities. You, dearest wyfe, are an apartment-finding, web-searching, insta-emailing, house-touring force to be reckoned with.

But seriously. My first ever one-bedroom apartment is the sunniest, happiest place on earth.

You walk in and oh, you find yourself in a dainty little kitchen! There is a fridge displaying The Current magnets, a family Christmas photo, a recipe or two scattered about and a card that sings wishes of praise from an adoring gentleman caller. There is a sink, rarely donned with dirty dishes, and a perfectly sanitary covered garbage bin underneath. The drawers house kitchen supplies and neatly organized Tupperware (each piece complete with lid for ease of use).

Take a couple steps further and oh, you're in the dining/living room! There is a round wooden table for you to daintily sit or eat at (choice of four matching chairs) or a large green couch for you to rest your weary bones on. Perhaps you are too tired to read but not yet sleepy enough to retire for the evening. No problem - would you like to watch a movie? Open the top drawer of the dresser the TV is resting on and you shall find yourself a plethora of cinematic options. And of course, a swift look to your right will show you reading nook #1. Yes, you saw right, that chair nestled into the window nook is accompanied by its own book shelf, in case you wish to be reading but have reluctantly forgotten a book.

Ok we've spent enough time dilly dallying. Let's get down to business. Walk past the kitchen through the entryway and - gasp! - what is that you see? A bedroom! Look past the gigantic cloud bed on your left and you shall see an enormous built-in drawer system with so many drawers that you literally have two empty drawers that are just waiting for you to toss your crap into. And then, I know this will make your eyes a little misty, look to your right and you will see reading nook #2. Yes, that is a built-in actual nook! Made of wood, covered in cushions and blankets. Complete with backrest. It's an actual nook, made for actual reading, in an actual window. Believe it.

Now let us take a walk into the next room and you will find yourself a delightfully pristine bathroom, complete with a large shower whose stream reaches far beyond the width of your shoulders and starts high above even the tallest of humans. As you let the duck bath mat tickle your toesies, take a look at convenient full-length mirror on the wall, notice the stealthy cabinet mirror system, delight in the ceramic giraffe toothbrush holder, and gasp at the storage space in three corners of the bathroom allowing you to shelve three tiers of bathroom supplies, socks and undies, and even the vacuum cleaner for cripes sakes.

And there you have it. A walk through my House of Sunshine. I'm so happy you could take my tour on this, the second week of my living there. Come again, sire! Come again, m'lady!

Good day to you.

Even soldiers sleep on Spongebob sheets.