This may be an overshare.

I hate first kisses. They're awkward, they never work out, they make people so nervous they shake all over and drop things, when they don’t happen it’s disappointing, when they do happen it sometimes is still disappointing, and there is just no way – NO WAY – to make them happen smoothly. And if you tell me there is, then all I have to say to you is "It's nice to meet you Hugh Grant, may I have your autograph?".

(What I’m saying is, perfect first kisses only happen in the movies, people.)

Case and point. My first boyfriend and I went three months without kissing, and it's not like I was a bashful 12-year-old...I was 17. All of our friends knew about it and the anticipation built up so much that I would literally hurl my body out of his car and run to the house at full speed to avoid the awkwardness of the "thanks, I had a good time" conversation followed by anticipatory looks. Finally after three months I offered him a kiss on the cheek to which he said no, sending a shock through my entire system and making me stand there, stiff, outside of the car not knowing what to say or do. "Well can I kiss you on the mouth?" he said. "NO!" I said. Then he said fine, I could kiss him on the cheek, and when I went in for the innocent cheek kiss he turned his head at the last second to try to steal a full-on smooch, thus resulting in a complete disaster of him missing completely and two sides of lips mashing together and quickly being retracted back to their rightful place while looks of horror stretched across both our faces.

The slightest slip! There merest mishap! The tiniest tip of the head!

And it is ruined.

I know what you're thinking. Of all of these terrible situations I've been in, and there have been many, what’s the common denominator? It's me. I know. I get this. But I swear it’s not my fault. Almost all the dudes that have had the pleasure of my smooch have pretty much ruined the first one by missing, being too awkward, making terrible jokes, doing a bad job, or once – I even got the dreaded mom kiss. You know, the full-lipped completely non-sexual mom smooch. And I, at 24, still have as much difficulty with the first kiss as I always have. It just makes me shudder to think of all the ways it could go wrong, and to touch your lips to someone else’s for the first time seems like the ultimate showing of bravery to me. A bravery of which I have not yet conquered.

I feel bad for the kindly gentleman that I recently went on a date with. You would think after 11 hours of PG fun including the museum, batting cages, dinner, a live show, and a movie, the poor kid deserved one measly kiss when he walked me up to the front door. But what did he get? A handshake, an "I had a good time" and me staring at the ground until I awkwardly slow-motioned walked into the house. Sorry pal. It's not you – it's that I'm traumatized by the world’s eight to ten most awkward situations anyone has ever been in.

But the thing is – I think there's a solution. If you have to deal with people like this (like me), the best thing to do is sneak attack them. Get it over when they least expect it. You spare them the anticipation, the nervousness, the shakiness, and you will have officially gotten them over the hump. You will have allowed them to avoid being terrified about it, and you can both hopefully tell your kids about it someday.

And then mom smooch them afterward.