Sweaty nervous pits.

I had three very important meetings at work today - meetings I have been preparing for for weeks. As a result, I did something I rarely do: sweat profusely, specifically in the armpits. But I couldn't control it! The minute I walked into each meeting I was done for. It got so bad at one point that I had to switch shirts to let it air dry for a while.

Darn these blasted glands and their susceptibility to nervousness! Aren't women supposed to be dainty? You are not helping me be dainty, pits! And you turning my shirt into a dampfest is not cutting down on the nervousness!

Wearing my shorts tan proudly.

As you may know, I am headed to Hawaii next week for vacation.

Were one of my friends not up for a role in the next Twilight movie, there would be three of us going. Alas, she made the final rounds of auditions, and thus I fear we will not have her in our company. Either way though, it is sure to be a good time…

Except for one thing. My shorts tan, still lingering majestically from last summer. Minus the old lady moles, it is not unlike this.

The contrast between the lasting once-burn-now-tan found on my lower legs and the bright white on my upper legs is stark, to say the least. The line between the two is shockingly accurate, as if I were wearing white boxer briefs. I would like to say my shorts tan and I will be showing up to the beaches of Hawaii unabashed, but I have to admit…I’m slightly concerned about it.

The way the sun will reflect off my legs is sure to blind unsuspecting beach tourists and make children scream in terror as they attempt to cover their eyes. The wind might even stop blowing. The waves might stop waving. The palm trees might stop softly rustling and the coconuts might stop, um, producing milk.

But I just can’t bring myself to go tanning in a tanning bed first. Never have, probably never will.

Zinc oxide, here I come!

Walking tacos and alligators.

First, let me just say the taco party was a rousing success. And it wasn't a regular taco party - no, sir. We served walking tacos, as described lovingly by local actor/comedian Bobby Gardner, who got his first taste of the stuff at our party:

Apparently I'm the only person on the planet who didn't know what these delectable gems were. Basically you open up a small bag of your favorite tortilla chips, crush up the chips, then add your meat, cheese, lettuce, salsa, etc., grab a fork and enjoy! How have I not heard of this? It combines my two passions: food and laziness. Kudos to the fat, lazy bastard that came up with the walking taco. I salute you!

And here is a visual if you are having trouble wrapping your head around this delicacy.


Second, I have to tell you about my dream last night. My two friends and I were in a lagoon. Except it wasn't a pretty one - it was all swampy and dangerous and the water was dark and opaque. My friend Conrad was disabled, so I was holding his head above water. The lagoon was shallow enough so that we could all wade through the water but Conrad's legs didn't work so I was holding him up from underneath his armpits and facing him forward so he could see. My friend Alan was wading next to us.

Then, all of a sudden, alligators started coming toward us, one by one. Alan loudly taunted them. Whenever I saw one coming toward us, I would wheel Conrad around to face the alligator, then he would slap the alligator's face with a fly swatter. Alan's taunting grew and he started beckoning the gators to come toward us: "C'MON ALLIGATORS!!! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!!?" I continued to wheel Conrad around and he continued to lightly and repeatedly slap each one with the fly swatter until it ambled away.

Then I woke up.

Happy Thursday!

Best birthday EVER.

Ok so I haven't even had my walking taco party yet (you can bet your bippy I'll blog about that later) and it's already the best birthday ever. Will you just take a look at these presents?

From Roommate #1: Chocolate Eiffel Tower


From Roommate #2: Camelback Hydration System

Friend Jess: The world's largest chocolate kiss (someone's gotta give me a smooch on my birthday)


I also got a call during a meeting today from the front desk person that there was a bouquet of flowers waiting for me downstairs. As I excitedly brought them back up to my desk, a small crowd gathered wanting to know who my secret admirer was. Names and faces flashed through my head as I fantasized about who it could be. Then reality of the single life came crashing down as a giant "Love, Mom and Dad" card revealed itself.

Thanks parents!

Cutting the cord is tough.

It's my work BFF's last day tomorrow. This saddens me.

Yes, he was an intern in the same position for 15 months. Yes, he is a 33-year-old man with a master's degree. Yes, he is way too good for this job. No, he didn't even like his job anyway.

But who's going to have lunch with me now?

Nothing I could have done would have commemorated him with the respect and effort he really deserves, but I tried hard. I made him an 11 minute audio documentary, forcing everyone who has ever talked to him sing his praises. And sing they did. They sang like golden angels fluttering up to intern heaven.

If you would like to share this special moment with us, and laugh your patooty off in the process, please do enjoy.

Srinitastic.wav

I daresay this is the finest bit of work I have done, or really anyone has ever done, since, well, ever. To download, click "download now", wait exactly 40 seconds, then click "download" again and you will see why he will be missed! I can't believe he's leaving, and you won't be able to either. It's a sad, sad day.

**Note: special guest appearances from Barack Obama and Ira Glass.